QUESTION: My husband's mother drives me
crazy! She is controlling, demanding, and overbearing. She drives
my husband crazy too, but she is his mother. His parents are in town
visiting for an entire week. They stay in our tiny home and take it
over, she has rummaged through my personal things and re-arranged
my furniture while I was at work. Well, I am expecting our first child
(the first grandchild) and I don't know how I am going to handle her
demands. I am not a confrontational person and it terrifies me that
I am going to finally have to put my foot down on some things when
the baby is born. For example, I think she will want to come stay
with us when the baby is born, and not for just a weekend but for
a week or two. This will drive me crazy. Am I way off base here or
should I welcome her in my home as long as she wants? My real concern
is that she will relieve my husband of his responsibilities in the
home when the baby comes home, and he will not be able to fully bond
with her there. What do I do?
ANSWER: The successful formation of
a new couples bond includes establishing rules in your own household.
Because the two of you have not taken appropriate action to protect
the boundaries of your relationship, you are right to be concerned
about your mother in law's continued invasiveness when your baby is
born. But do not despair, as there is no better time than the present
to address your very realistic concerns for the future!
Giving birth and becoming a mother for the first time
is a profoundly life-changing experience. It is one you have never
done before and you will need all of your energies focused on yourself.
It is not in your best interests or your child's to compromise resources
needed to adjust to this transformative event.
You are intuitively aware of the need for precious
family bonding between your husband and child, yourself and your new
baby and your couples' relatedness . It is clear that you are significantly
uncomfortable with your mother-in-law's presence in normal periods,
so why would you allow her to stay in your home during this period
of great vulnerability? You are the mother. You will need undivided
attention for adjusting to new motherhood. Put your needs first.
Talk with your husband about the boundaries needed
to protect your couples relationship. It is his job to set limits
with his mother. Without his leading the way, your attempts to set
limits will likely cause you to be seen through a negative lens. It
is essential that your husband step up to the plate and deal with
his mother and father directly. Once he paves the way, you will easily
be able to reinforce the boundaries without being "scapegoated" as
the outsider.
Your husband will probably fare best with his mother
if he takes charge of talking with her about "our" needs to have private
time after the baby is born. It is critical that your spouse use "we"
to represent your family needs during this period rather than using
you as the "reason" she is not invited to stay in your home after
the birth. By doing so, he is establishing the couples' boundary that
has been lacking in your marriage so far.
It would benefit your relationship for your spouse
to consider his father's contribution to your present dilemma as well.
Clearly, your mother-in-law has not had the advantage of a spouse
who would call her on her damaging behaviors. By not setting limits
himself, it is likely that your father-in-law has contributed to enabling
her in her "craziness". It is likely that your husband is following
his father's role model by not challenging your mother about her inappropriate
behaviors.
"Standing up" to his mother is pivotal if your husband
is to take his place by your side. The stress on your marriage resulting
from not standing his ground are increasing each day. Discuss together
what kind of family role models you want to embrace. And remember
that without interruption, family legacies repeat themselves!
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