Establish the emotional tone you want to achieve.
For Thanksgiving, you may want to establish a theme of "thanks."
Telling a story about the pilgrims may easily spark the interest
of your children at this age. You may want to expand this theme
to your own family members, asking each of them to name what they
are grateful for in their lives. Lighting candles as dinner is served
before telling the story sets the tone for a meaningful discussion.
Passing a candle around the table as each person speaks can ritualize
and focus attention on the individual. Appropriate music may also
serve to impart special meaning and spirit to your family atmosphere.
Coordinate the making of the ritual so that all
family members are participants. Shopping for the food, making
the holiday dinner, setting the table and cleanup should be shared
responsibilities. A special shopping trip to gather the food and
assigning responsibilities can help make your holiday a family affair.
Feeling responsible for the creation of the ritual, strengthens
each individual member's bond to the family group.
Consider the role of extended family, friends
and community in your family ritual. Connection to community
is one of the key elements of a successful family ritual. The holidays
are an excellent opportunity to invite special friends and relatives
to contribute to your family's event. Other activities, such as
helping at a soup kitchen, or donating food to others in need can
also reinforce your family's connection to a greater whole.
Repetition and flexibility: Remember that
rituals are defined by repetition. It takes three times for a family
event to become a ritual with a spirit of its own in your family.
When a ritual is truly established, all members take ownership for
its continuation. This ensures that even when a family ritual is
missed in one year, another family member insists on it the next.
Not only do these rituals have to be repeated, but they must also
reflect the needs of your growing family. Responsibilities may shift
over the years. It is possible that your teenagers will do the cooking
in years ahead. The key to maintaining the active and positive participation
of all members is to strike a healthy balance which allows all individuals
to experience meaning and connection. Willingness to be flexible
assures that the ritual remains intact and meaningful to all of
its members throughout the years.
Trouble shoot problem areas in your family's
rituals. If your family event is dull, filled with negative
tension or does not impart the positive experience you desire, do
not despair. Simply ask yourselves what is missing or what changes
are needed to create meaning and connection. If your children are
bored by the length of time the turkey takes to cook, what about
initiating a change, like a nature walk or family game as a part
of the holiday festivities? If conflict arises between family members,
can an agreement be made to save the discussion for after the family
ritual?
