QUESTION: My second husband and I have
been married four months and I have a seven and a half year old daughter
from my first marriage. We are having a difficult time blending our
lives together. My husband really hurts my feelings at times because
I will overhear phone conversations in which he is making plans to do
things with friends. He knows I am within hearing range but offers no
explanation of why he doesn't include me in the planning. I've never
given him the impression that I would force myself into activities with
his friends so why is he acting this way? I always let him know when
I will be doing something with a friend so that he doesn't plan any
family things for that time. Can you help us?
ANSWER: Marriage is the blending of two different family cultures.
Differences in styles of relating and expectations inevitably brings
up conflict that must be resolved through communication. It is up to
you and your husband to create the kind of family that you want to have
together. But do not expect him to read your mind, or even to automatically
agree with your perspective!
Part of the joy of any marriage lies in developing
a shared vision of family. It is likely that you are assuming things
about your husband's behavior that exacerbate your sense of hurt and
alienation. For example, do you believe that his autonomous decision
to make plans with his friends is a sign that he does not love you,
or does not want to include you? If so, you may be putting the horse
before cart. He may have come from a family in which his parents acted
more independently than yours or he may simply be used to "being on
his own" as a bachelor. Either way, it is time to learn more about
one another instead of jumping to conclusions that may not be accurate.
Express your feelings to your husband using "I" statements
that do not accuse or attack him, but simply relay your internal experience.
For example, "I feel hurt when you make plans with your friends without
including me, and I imagine that I am not important to you". He may
not be aware of the impact of his actions on you. It is your job to
communicate your feelings in the marriage.
By letting your spouse know how you feel in a non-blaming
manner, you set the stage for discussions about what will work in
your marriage. He may want to change to accommodate your experience,
and/ or he may share ideas and feelings of his own. It is also possible
that a stimulating discussion will develop between you. Consider yourself
fortunate if you are able to develop a discussion which offers the
opportunity to truly understand rather than "guess at" what he is
thinking.
Assumptions truncate discussions that might otherwise
serve to deepen your relationship. Do not condemn your husband before
talking to him and do not assume he is condemning you for any "impressions"
you may or may not have given him!
Conflict is at the heart of establishing intimacy
because it is through discussion of differences that we come to truly
understand ourselves and our partners. Feeling "understood" is a crucial
part of a successful marriage. Problems that are resolved through
empathy create greater connection between family members. It is sometimes
easier to "make up a story" to match our feelings about things than
it is to check out why our partners are doing what they are doing!
Let your husband know about your beliefs, desires
and feelings about checking with you before making plans. Be specific
about what you want and ask for it. Establish agreements, but do not
expect that all will go smoothly. You both need to learn about the
other's needs and create a framework for addressing them. Your bond
will deepen as you struggle together towards your shared goal.
Perhaps your husband will be delighted to adopt some
of your beliefs and family style. But you will never know unless the
two of you open up and develop discussions. Trust is established through
communication, not mind-reading!
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