QUESTION: My husband and I are in the
process of adopting a child. My dilemma is that at this point in my
life, with a full-time career, I feel that I only have enough energy
for one child. I want a girl and my husband wants a boy. How can we
make this a win-win situation?
ANSWER: While it is natural for you
to want a daughter, and for your husband to desire a son, your love
must transcend gender. There is no guarantee that the son he will
get will fulfill his expectations anymore than adopting a girl would
ensure that you meet your dreams for a mother-daughter relationship.
More significantly, this dilemma presents a very real
opportunity in your development as a family. This is the first conflict
you face together as parents. Family research shows that the quality
of the decision making process is more important to family health
than what is decided. If one of you must compromise your initial preference,
empathy for the other's real loss, or imagined fears, must be embraced.
Review your reasons for this decision together and
recognize that you may be putting the "cart before the horse" to assume
exactly what energy will be needed before you get there! Is it your
decision to adopt only one child, or is your husband also adamant
about raising a single child?
Likewise, review what energy your husband has for
parenting. Even if you are engaged in a full-time career, your husband
may be willing to be the primary parent at home.
If you remain committed to raising an only child and
"stuck" on the gender question, discuss what exactly you are expecting
from having a child of your own gender. Be specific. Are there activities
each of you believes will not occur with the opposite sex? Can you
see this changing?
Imagine yourself with a little boy and ask your husband
to do the same for a daughter. Explore the opposite side of the coin
as well. What would it be for you to not have the experience of raising
a son? What might you miss? What would your spouse miss about not
raising a daughter? Fully discuss the feelings, fears and fantasies
that come up for each of you.
Explore any childhood patterns or relationships that
you feel might contribute to your gender preferences. The exercises
in From the Start and in Becoming a Family may help clarify beliefs
about your gender expectations and experiences in your own childhood.
Through this discussion you will gain a better understanding of the
source of your desires (or fears) and be better able to visualize
solutions to your conflict that are generated from sharing and empathy.
Your dilemma is fuel for exploring your backgrounds
in preparation for parenthood and for maturation of the decision-making
process in your marriage. If conflict spawns a deeper empathic and
caring connection between the two of you, there is no doubt that the
decision you come up with will be a win-win one for your whole family.
Perhaps it is not what you decide, but how this decision
is made that will make the difference!
