QUESTION: I am a lesbian and live with
my partner. Our five-year-old is starting school soon and both of
us really want to be a big part of her education. However, we don't
want to hurt her or give her any reason to be upset because her parents
are of the same sex. Should only one of us be involved?
ANSWER: Your decision of how you want
to handle this is a family affair to be decided by you and your partner.
Your own personal histories, philosophies and knowledge of your community
and your daughter, may be factors to weigh and consider. However,
in the end, always keep in mind that your daughter should be proud
of her origins and her family.
Although she may face some adversity, I believe that
it is in your daughter's best interests to accept herself and allow
others to accept her for who she is and where she comes from.
Ignorance breeds intolerance and exposure nurtures
education. As with interracial children, or other families that may
lie outside the norm in our society, prejudice is best addressed by
exposure to those whom we might feel are different, and therefore
to be feared. Hiding the facts may increase negative repercussions.
Consider the possibility that leaving a false impression,
which later will need to be corrected, could reduce stress in the
short-term, but damage your daughter's self-esteem in the long run.
It will be assumed that she comes from a heterosexual family. When
it becomes clear that she has two moms, instead of a dad and mom,
it may be more difficult for your daughter over time. She may also
pick up the message that you are hiding your situation from others,
therefore leaving her with an unnamed shame.
Holding back from being involved in her education
because of your family's uniqueness may make her family situation
more of an issue, rather than less of one. In general, it would be
my opinion that you and your partner should simply be the involved
parents that you want to be in your daughter's life. Do not make an
issue of your sexuality, but do not hide it. Simply be the best parents
you can be, and support her educationally and socially as these issues
arise.
Consider the potential for increased stress that not
being yourselves can create in your family. Proceeding naturally,
in line with your own family goals, in raising your daughter is most
likely to be the best course of action. She will learn that families
come in all shapes, sizes and genders. Being herself will teach others
to accept, instead of reject differences.
Why not start off like this from the beginning? The
more your daughter is comfortable with herself, the greater the likelihood
that others will enjoy the treasures and gifts she has to offer, rather
than become preoccupied with any differences. This approach will also
build an inner strength needed to handle adversity she will likely
face later in adolescence.
Keep in mind that acceptance of herself is her most
powerful resource against prejudice now, and in the future. Omissions
of truth lead to distortion, rather than clarity. Genuine self-acceptance
is based on truth and authentic identity, rather than identity confusion.
