QUESTION: My husband has been suffering
from depression for some time. He started therapy in late January
and medication a week ago. He is very moody toward both the kids and
myself. I worry daily about the effect his depressive behavior has
on his relationship with our two children, ages 3 and 5. Our relationship
is dwindling as well. We don't have any emotional or physical contact
any longer. It's not so much the physical relationship I crave. I
miss the emotional perks that I get from communicating and being together.
I try to understand that he is sick, but it is so hard. I keep thinking
that if he would just try, it could get better. Please help me. I
really want my marriage to work.
ANSWER: The good news is that your husband
is getting help. He may get worse before he gets better, as this is
often a natural progression of treatment for depression. It is likely
that becoming a father himself may have surfaced childhood experiences
of neglect that have triggered retreat instead of coping. Therapy
can provide a framework for understanding, healing and moving forward.
Medication may help take the "edge" off a life-long
unrecognized depression. Patterns of helplessness and hopelessness
learned in childhood that intensified when faced with the role of
"father" may immerse him temporarily. But having someone to turn to
will provide the possibility for working through his malaise to achieve
a new outlook on his ability to define and shape his life. It can
take up to a month for anti-depressant medication to "kick-in", but
once this occurs, it may also offer your husband the ability to use
the insight he is gaining to change his self-defeating behavior.
Try not to revolve your life around your husband's
"depression". Research has shown that a spouse's own mood reactions
to their partner's depressive states can spiral and augment depressive
disorders. This kind of viscious downward cycle makes it impossible
to differentiate normal "downs" from depression, resulting in a narrowed
interpretation for feelings in the couples' relationship and exaggeration
of symptoms. "Riding" on his moods by overly focusing on his depression
can make symptoms worsen.
Talk with your husband about developing a plan together
to "fight" depressive patterns, when he is ready to do so. Recognize
that your husband is "trying", and make guidelines together about
behavior with respect to one another and the children. If your husband
responds with anger or in a way that is hurtful to yourself and the
children when in a depressed mood, identify a way he can say, "I'm
not angry with you, but I need some time to myself, just now". Perhaps
he can take a walk around the block which removes him from the situation
temporarily and offers a change in scenery to reflect on his intentions.
Make it a goal to re-establish a connection upon returning. He may
find it possible to alter his behavior after making a proactive attempt
to gain a better perspective.
Each small success builds on the next. Behaving differently
can lead to feeling differently and vice versa. Establish a positive
feedback loop to alter depressive patterns rather than add to them.
Make your goals reasonable and you will achieve them step by step,
together.
Be sure to acknowledge and make room for each of you
to have normal mood changes, but identify patterns of thinking or
behavior that cause depression. Books on cognitive therapy and depression
by C. Ahrons or others and new books on the market such as the "Depression
Sourcebook" may prove helpful. Therapy groups which utilize tools
to identify and challenge depressive thought "filters" such as all/nothing
thinking, disaster thinking or other distortions of reality may be
necessary support for effecting change. You may also benefit greatly
from a general women's support group as well as friends to address
some of your needs at this time.
Remember the connecting times and the communication
you so miss. Let your husband know that you miss him and that you
want to be there for him. Educate yourself about the nature of your
husband's depression at this time, and what the two of you can do
to facilitate his healing.
Remember that your husband is not his depression.
The person you so miss is beneath these patterns of depressive thinking.
Hang onto your commitment in your marital vows of "for better or worse".
He has only just begun acknowledging the need to turn this demon around,
and he will need your support to do so. Make it clear that you will
not abandon him. You will feel more connected once you feel you are
a part of the solution, rather than a helpless victim!
