QUESTION: I am a 32-year-old father of
twin three-year-old sons, happily married for 11 years. I just made
six figures this year and bought my dream home. I am thrilled with
my community, I love my work, my wife stays home with the boys and
we have a wonderful church. For some reason, I am feeling more stress
than ever. I worry about my sons' safety and health, the competence
of my boss, my wife's safety, my health and flying (and I don't travel
much). I should be on cloud nine these days but, for some reason,
I am not.
ANSWER: Be careful what you ask for,
you might get it! You are fortunate to have met your family and financial
goals relatively early in your adult years. You spend some of your
time in fear that it can all be "taken away" by something out of your
control, and another part of your time wondering why you are not happier.
Perhaps you are waiting for "the other shoe to drop."
If you feel undeserving of your good fortune, you may be holding yourself
back. Excessive worry could be your way of sabotaging your own happiness.
Are your parents and friends happy for you? Or do you feel that your
happiness is at the expense of someone else?
If childhood experience taught you that when you succeeded
others were angry or upset, instead of gladdened or congratulatory,
you might be repeating this message by not allowing yourself to enjoy
the fruits of your labor. This is a common pattern when parents unwittingly
compete with their own children as they are growing up, often leaving
their sons and daughters with the subliminal message that they should
not surpass their own parents' levels of success. What level of emotional
support do you feel from others about your achievements?
It is also possible that with your the goals you have
set for yourself accomplished, you are aware of inner stirrings for
developing meaning in your life outside of material accomplishments.
Certainly, you seem to feel love and a positive connection to your
wife and children, but what do you feel is deeply meaningful in your
life? It is natural to find yourself reaching deeper into your soul
as the exterior things in life are secure.
Many people in your position seek psychotherapy at
this time in their lives, not because something is terribly wrong,
but because for the first time, they are aware that "something is
missing." The emotional, or "spiritual" part of their lives comes
up for consideration. Review of childhood and what might have been
lacking may surface feelings that surprise as well as liberate. It
is not uncommon for a person in your situation to realize that he
or she has followed all the right paths for succeeding, but missed
a passion that was given up along the way. Music lessons that were
dropped, sports or artistic pursuits that were not gratified.
One such woman attorney in my practice returned to
piano study after getting in touch with the passion she was missing
from her lost musical career. By picking up classes with her daughter,
she found herself not only finding more meaning in her motherhood,
but more creative in her legal job as well.
If you are feeling that somehow "there must be more,"
perhaps you are right! Talk with your wife. See if her knowledge of
you can shed any light on what your feelings of anxiety and emptiness
might be about. Take yourself seriously. You no doubt worked hard
to achieve your goals at an early age. Perhaps it is time to take
some space for inner reflection on your more personal needs.
It is probable that you have denied certain aspects
of your development in order to meet your goals. Now, it may be beneficial
to assess what was left behind, or what has not yet been pursued.
Your sense of "now what?" suggests that you are a man who has more
inside of him that yearns towards expression. Given that you are only
32 years old, you had better take your development seriously, as there
are many years ahead!
The challenge is to get in touch with what gives your
life not only meaning, but perhaps passion now. Trust yourself. Follow
your feelings inside to discover the source of what is emerging. You
are not "nuts." You are, as we all are, a "work in progress"!
