QUESTION: I really feel like my husband
has a problem with alcohol. He drinks beer or whiskey every weekend.
He does not drink during the week at all, because he works so much.
He tells me that he "deserves it" because he works two jobs. I work
one full time job and we have a 20 mo. old daughter. How can I get
him to understand that the drinking stresses me out. He doesn't admit
to having a problem. He denies when he's drunk. I have even noticed
him hiding it, because he knows how much it upsets me.
ANSWER: Your husband may be on the road
to alcoholism. He may later look back and identify his current dependency
as the early stages. The clinical definition of this disease is determined
by impairment of work, relationship or other areas of life. Clearly,
your husband's use of alcohol is impinging on the satisfaction of
your marital relationship. The fact that you experience his drinking
as "stressing you out" compounded by his own need to "sneak" a drink
indicates that alcohol is quickly becoming a problem in your marriage.
Your husband is drinking to relieve tension or worries.
He may be suffering from depression which he is treating by medicating
himself with alcohol. But by numbing himself he not only avoids dealing
more productively with unhappiness, he diminishes his ability to learn
more promising coping styles. Drinking may enable him to maintain
the "status quo" for a period of time, but increased consumption inevitably
leads to deteriorating capacity to handle stress.
His sense of entitlement to "drink" may stem from
childhood role models. If his own parents "ran away" from problems
by using alcohol to ease pain, he is likely to follow suit. It may
also be true that fatherhood triggered this coping style, as it requires
adjustment to putting others' needs first. Decreased couples' time
and increased responsibilities may be creating stress that is being
answered by withdrawing from family relationships, instead of relying
on partnership and sharing to get you through the "rough" spots. Again,
the overriding probability is that this withdrawal from relationship
and intimacy in times of stress is a family pattern in your husband's
history, and perhaps even your own.
Let you husband know that you are missing him and
that you are feeling the effects of his retreat when he is home. Let
him know if you observe that he is choosing to drink instead of ease
his pain by talking with you or other friends. Perhaps he is pushing
you away at a time when you need each other the most. Family relationships
are suffering and you are only at the beginning of the family life
cycle!
Talk with your husband about the stresses you are
experiencing as a family, financially and otherwise and the ways you
have chosen to meet these. What other options are there? If your husband
is feeling stuck in overworking at jobs he dislikes, what potential
is there for alternate employment or job training? Are there other
ways of releasing tension other than drinking?
Exercise, socializing and developing nurturing family
rituals around dinner, baths, children's activities or home improvements
may channel energy more positively. We all need a sense that we belong
and that we matter. Did you experience this sense of value in your
own family? Did your husband? What family rituals or activities existed
in your respective childhood families to give you a sense of "belonging"?
And finally, what kind of family do the two of you want to create
together?
Start by insisting that your husband spend some quality
time with you without a drink. Carve out time to catch up with the
changes you have experienced in your marriage since your child was
born. Reestablish your bond as a couple by developing shared time
to relate on a regular basis. Ask your husband to join you in creating
the kind of family relationships that will ease your pain and offer
you shelter from the stresses of the outside world.
Use resources on the "Making Healthy Family" series
for exercises in exploring family patterns and books such as William
Doherty's "The Intentional Family" to create the kind of family relationships
you want. If your husband still denies that his dependency on alcohol
is causing problems in intimacy in your marriage, consider attending
"alanon" meetings in your area for support and sorting through the
meaning that his alcoholism may have on your life, and further strategies
for addressing it. Look for a state program in your area, such as Florida alcoholism recovery, which offers recovery treatment for alcoholism..
Alcoholism is a disease that progresses through stages
from prodromal (latent) to full blown stages of deterioration (in
the neurochemical pathways) of the brain that are irreparable. It
is possible to use the love and support of your relationship as a
springboard for change. Invite your husband to change his life if
it is so intolerable to him that he needs to drink to sustain it as
it is.
One wife with a similar problem to yours was able
to reach through her husband's denial by bringing his attention to
his fatherhood. She said, "Michael, you have to stop drinking. I refuse
to be put in a position of telling our daughter that Daddy didn't
come home last night..." If your husband continues to use alcohol
as an answer to his pain, his dependency on it will more than likely
progress. Ask your husband to consider the effects of his drinking
on your marriage now, and what the developments of the future could
mean for your family.
