QUESTION: I feel happy most of the
time, but I become angry at my husband over very trivial things. He
is loving, but I make him feel as if nothing he does is good enough.
I NEVER get angry at my baby; for her I have an abundance of patience.
Do I have postpartum depression?
ANSWER: Perhaps your "blow-ups" have
more to do with adjustment to motherhood rather than "depression"
per se. Because you are under pressure to be eternally patient with
your baby, you may have "let off steam" with your husband because
this is more acceptable than expressing it to your child. It would
be more likely to fall under "postpartum depression" if you were directing
it at your child. However, because you are not, I prefer to label
it "postpartum adjustment syndrome." While the term "depression" may
fit the definition of feelings that are suppressed, "adjustment" reflects
the normalcy of a wide range of feelings that come up for women during
this period of enormous physical and emotional change. Society fails
to support women at this time because normal feelings do not
get addressed unless they are labeled "depression!"
Your body has endured many changes, hormonally and
otherwise. New motherhood means that you have less time to take care
of yourself or your husband. And it is natural for you to focus your
energies primarily on your baby in the beginning as you get to know
her and what she needs from you. But as you master the complexity
of this profound change in your life, you will be able to again turn
your energy to the marriage.
Begin by evaluating whether you have been able to
recover your sense of self from the pregnancy. How do you feel about
your relationship to your body since your daughter was born? How did
the childbirth go for you? Have you recovered from the psychological
and physiological impact of the previous year? It is essential to
take care of yourself as a mother. Often, continued agitation with
others masks unresolved loss that has not found expression. And because
you may feel so blessed with your child, the downside of motherhood
may not be acknowledged.
Speak with your husband about your joy and losses
in becoming a mother. Ask him to share both the happiness of new fatherhood
and the ways it has changed his life that he misses. Grieving together
and being aware of the downside of these changes in no way reflects
on your love and happiness for your baby, or the "rightness" of your
decision to become parents. You may also benefit from joining a new-mother's
group and developing friendships with other women going though similar
life changes.
Once you have found some time for yourself, you may
also discover that you have more patience for your husband. Consider
scheduling some quality time alone together. Refocus your attention
on your relationship. Your couples' bond forms the garden in which
your child grows. She will experience the increased harmony in the
home that results from the realignment of her parents' relationship,
as well as her mother's self-care!
