QUESTION: Last night my husband and I
were arguing and I totally lost control. I began to humiliate him
and say horrible things. When he would not respond, I poured water
all over him. He then broke down and cried. He said that he can not
live with me anymore. He says he has given up on us and refuses counseling.
My outbursts have worsened over time. My father is an alcoholic and
I was raised with violence. I am beginning to recognize that when
I am out of control, I act like my father. I do not want to act this
way and I am overwhelmed with a sense of guilt. Please give me advice
on how to control my anger outbursts.
ANSWER: You are beginning to accept
that you have internalized your father's actions. Under stress you
will be vulnerable to resorting to this kind of threatening behavior
as an attempt to release tension and/or get your way. The good news
is that you have named it. Now it is your job to seek individual counseling
and possible support groups for strategies to handle anger so that
it does not continue to destroy your relationship.
Be aware that each time you lose control you enter
a cycle of guilt followed by depression which may then be released
in another rage attack, only to be followed by guilt once more ...
and so on. Each time you lose control, you erode your self-esteem,
which is the core problem. Rage of this nature usually serves to cover
uncried tears of childhood and must be released safely. Safely releasing
grief and rage will help ensure that you do not use others as your
"punching bag" .
Using some form of safe release for frustration, (such
as using a cloth bat to hit a rag doll) may bring up the tears you
have not been facing and has the added advantage that when you are
done, you have not hurt anybody! This allows for emotional release
of the primary feeling which then may bring further associations and
memories that need your attention to heal and reorganize. When guilt
and depression over lashing out no longer block this stream of association,
you will have an opportunity for healing.
However, I do not recommend that you do this alone
in the beginning. Use a compassionate witness to your process, preferably
a professional counselor you trust. These are feelings which may frighten
you. You have no doubt been alone with these feelings as a child.
You should not repeat feeling them in isolation. Reaching out and
sharing these experiences provides a safe framework for discharging
pain, healing and finally reorganizing the part of your personality
that responds to stress.
It will take time, but gradually you will be able
to build a stronger sense of self which will include an ability to
control your behavior when angry. Your healing requires the matrix
of a therapeutic relationship of some kind, as you will need to experience
another person's presence in the midst of pain in order to internalize
that compassion, the same way you internalized your father's abuse.
As this occurs, you will be able to offer others a more compassionate
presence when you are frustrated.
Antidepressants (though largely overused) can prove
dramatically effective in conjunction with therapy for some people.
Theoretically, brain chemistry is thought to be "set" to an extent
in childhood, particularly adolescence. When traumatic events are
continuous in childhood, our neurochemistry can get sensitized to
overreaction or "fight/flight" response. When rage feels like a physical
reaction that is overpowering, it is sometimes the case that anti-depressants
serve to readjust brain chemistry to non-crisis levels of adaptation.
For this reason, it may be useful to consult a psychiatrist to treat
the underlying depression, neurochemically, in concert with therapy
aimed at safe expression, clarification and reorganization of your
behavior.
When you are able to gain some control over your rage
and learn new techniques and coping skills, it will become necessary
to turn your attention to repairing the damage in the marriage. Couples'
therapy will prove more effective at that time.
Your heightened awareness suggests that there is "no
turning back". Your best ally right now is your ability to empathize
with your husband and the full impact of your behavior. This shows
some real capacity for change! Be kind to yourself, but follow through
on therapeutic treatment. Your rage covers a deep seated depression
that likely has been there since childhood. It is time to turn your
attentions towards the source of your problem, rather than lashing
out towards those you love.
