QUESTION: I am usually a very happy
person, but every fall I start spiraling downward into a depression.
I do the family "thing" with friends and my children, but my heart
isn't in it. I don't seem to resurface again until mid January. I
have heard about holiday depression, but I need to know why this happens
and how I can avoid it this year.
ANSWER: Barring seasonal affect disorder
(related to lack of sunlight in the winter months), it is likely that
you are experiencing sadness associated with what the holiday season
represents to you. Since you resurface from your depression in mid-January,
rather than springtime, it is less likely that you suffer from lack
of sunlight than an emotional swing associated with hidden yearnings
stimulated by the holidays themselves.
The holidays reconnect us with our childhood experience
of family celebrations. Sadness may stem from ghosts of painful Christmas'
past, or from a longing for family happiness that never materialized,
or no longer exists because old family traditions have died or faltered.
Particularly if your holidays have been marked by depression since
the death of a parent, you may be experiencing grief that never quite
makes it to the surface, but leaves you emotionally numb.
The holiday season triggers our desires and experiences
of what it means to be "family." Lost dreams related to family life
may be the source of your unhappiness. Pinpointing the emotional meaning
for your predictable downward spiral could help you better understand
your needs and create rituals that are meaningful instead of empty.
Finding the root cause of these seasonal blues will
allow you to better take care of your needs during this vulnerable
period. Approach this problem, using the suggestions below to understand
the emotional meaning of this season and what you can do to prevent
your downward spiral this year:
Family History
The holidays bring up our yearnings for family closeness, past and
present, imagined or real. Consider what Thanksgiving and Christmas
were like in your household as a child. Was the atmosphere joyful
or filled with uncomfortable tension? Are there unfulfilled childhood
desires for emotional closeness with a parent who was remote, or has
died, therefore ending any possibility of achieving intimacy with
this important family member? In other words, are you yearning the
Christmas you had and lost, or just never quite had?
Current Family
What is your present experience of holiday celebration in your family?
Do you recreate family traditions that you enjoy with your spouse,
children, extended family and friends? Or do you "go through the motions,"
finding them more burdensome than joyful? Are you happy with your
family relationships as they exist, or is there need for a change
in your holiday ritual?
Be willing to consider your own needs this holiday
season. Are you missing something in your present family relationships
that the holidays highlight for you, such as more affection in your
marriage or more involvement with your community or your children?
Addressing Your Needs
Be willing to keep a "holiday journal" this year. Write down feelings
of despondency as they arise. Trace your associations so that you
discover the key themes of your unhappiness at this time. If you are
grieving a "Christmas" you never had, what kind of Christmas do you
want to create in your family? Or if your Thanksgiving was not what
you wanted, how can you create the kind of atmosphere you want? If
the season accents the ways you feel "left out" rather than "included"
in your family, what activities and people will help you build a sense
of connection and belonging this year?
Creating Your Own Meaning
After clarifying what saddens you, take time to express your grief.
Mourn what cannot be realized, but do not stop there! Talk with friends,
your spouse, a counselor or your church minister about ways to claim
this season as your own.
Consider changing rituals that are empty to create
the meaning you are lacking. If Christmas shopping is burdensome,
consider simplifying gift giving this year. Replace stale tradition
with new activities that lend some excitement. For example, you may
choose to go on a family hike on Thanksgiving Day instead of watch
football! Or join a Christmas caroling group in your community this
Christmas.
It is time to find out what your own hidden fantasies
are about this "magical" period! Sort out what you cannot have from
what you can have. Allow yourself to connect with activities and people
that make you feel alive and in touch with your feelings, including
sadness. Embracing the "down" feelings will allow old grief to "thaw",
making room for new, meaningful traditions to establish themselves
in the years ahead.
