QUESTION: I see a lot of myself in
my children. I am depressed and on antidepressants. My kids are are
young -- five, four and two-years-old. They tell me, "No one loves
me, you don't love me." I don't want them hating their childhood as
I did. Nor do I want them hating me, as I did my parents. What can
I do to improve this situation?
ANSWER: Take heart in the fact that
you have raised children who feel safe expressing their "negative"
feelings to you. You must be doing something very right here. They
are already benefiting from being able to express feelings which you,
no doubt, were never able to do with your own parents.
It is inevitable that our patterns are reflected to
us in some way through our children. The fact that you are addressing
your depression and aware of your desire for your children to feel
loved is the first and biggest step toward increased confidence and
esteem in the next generation.
It is likely that your children are giving words to
your feelings of emptiness, which may be triggered by your children's
ages. Perhaps your experience of young childhood was emotionally barren,
and though you love your children, there is a part of you that re-lives
past childhood pain. Depression may be a way that you retreat from
this past suffering, which your children then experience as an emotional
retreat from them. Their poignant verbal expressions are a means for
connecting with you, and in doing so, they have succeeded in getting
your full attention!
Use your children's words to engage, rather than disengage
from them. Let them know that you do love them and that you are learning
how to show them your love. This clearly communicates to them that
whatever difficulty they experience in this realm is not their fault.
Acknowledging their feelings and expressing your own quest for ways
to show your love, can create an atmosphere of hope, rather than despair.
Be aware that antidepressants alone are not enough.
Working through emotional issues and patterns of negative thinking
that take on a life of their own is also necessary. Books like "The
Depression Workbook," or classes (such as offered by Kaiser Permanente
in the United States) on handling depression can help give you the
edge you need to eventually leave these patterns behind.
Keep in mind that your depression may stem from emotional
neglect in childhood. If so, you must make your own healing a priority.
Individual therapy with a professional therapist you can relate to
who has expertise in long term depression can spell the difference
between healing or just getting by. Group therapy, too can help "fill"
you up in places you have experienced great emptiness.
Remember, you cannot nurture others from a place of
depletion. You can only fill your children's cups if your own well
has water. Seek to nourish yourself and your children will naturally
benefit. They are young, and each day of healing adds to your family's
health now and in the years to come.
