QUESTION: My spouse is dealing with alcoholism. I am my husband's fourth wife.
He told me his past wives found fault with his drinking. After several
years of marriage, I agree with them. We have three kids; two from
my previous marriage and a son together. He is a very good husband
and father, but the drinking makes him arrogant and insensitive. What
can I do to get him to stop?
ANSWER: Your husband has already lost
three previous wives to alcohol, but this was before fatherhood. Let
your husband know that his drinking is not only interfering with the
your ability to feel close to him, but that he is putting his children's
lives and welfare at risk, too!
Although your spouse has not been motivated to seek
help or change in the past, he may listen to you on behalf of his
children. The clinical definition of alcoholism is when it interferes
with a major aspect of life. Clearly, your husband is denying the
extent his drinking is affecting his personality and is damaging his
marriage. Let him know you still love him, but that his drinking is
causing you a great deal of sadness and pain. If he has difficulty
listening, write him a heartfelt letter about your distress and the
effects you see his drinking is having on his children.
Ask him to attend an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting
in your area. Even if he refuses to go, attend an ALANON meeting to
learn more about your husband's disease and how to address his denial.
Information on local meetings in your area may be obtained from your
local information directory assistance or by calling the ALANON world
service office at (800)356-9996.
Ask him about his family and the role that alcohol
may have played in his childhood. When did he begin drinking and why?
Did one or more of his parents drink to excess to deal with life stress?
Patterns of running away from problems are common
in family histories of alcoholism, resulting in depression instead
of coping. Ask your husband to face the fact that he is medicating
himself in order to get through the day. It is likely that he has
covered up depression with drinking. Why not seek a consult with a
mental health professional if he feels he needs to numb himself to
deal with daily stress? A consult with a psychiatrist who can prescribe
appropriate medication if necessary may also be an alternative to
self-medicating with alcohol. Learning effective coping skills, reaching
out to others for help, and developing new meaning in life will be
key factors in liberating himself from his alcoholic addiction.
Let your husband know that he is driving you away.
Perhaps it is a part of a self-fulfilling prophecy of abandonment
that he recreates; pushing those who love him away when he needs them
the most. But you are his wife, not his savior. If your husband refuses
to get help to address his dependency on alcohol you will be faced
with saving yourself and protecting your children from the fallout
of this disease.
The writing on the wall is clear, and your spouse
has navigated troubled waters of past relationships by opting for
divorce rather than looking at the role of alcohol in his life. But
this time, there are children in his wake. What alternative does he
have if he is to continue to be a "good" father? Ask him to be your
partner in stopping this disease from spreading to the next generation.
After all, you took a vow to be his wife, not his drinking partner!
