QUESTION: I am a single mom of a 3-year-old
daughter and 16-month-old twin boys who have medical conditions that
require constant care. My soon to be ex-husband and I are not together
because he threatened to kill me. My problem is that I have little
time for my daughter. When I do find the time, I usually fall asleep
in the middle of a project. Or she will do something wrong, and I
yell at her. How can I make quality time for her? My husband wants
nothing to do with his children.
ANSWER: You are doing the hardest work
of all by separating from an abusive partner while your children are
still young. Do not lose sight of the larger picture here: Your efforts
to stem the tide of violence is not only responsible, but heroic.
You have already taken the first step by thinking
of your daughter's needs. The next step is to replenish your own energy.
Before you can expect to have more patience with your daughter, you
must start thinking of yourself. And your patience will naturally
grow as you recover from the stress of this past year.
Seek group support in your community from those who
will understand. Your local county health department may put you in
touch with free legal and support services for women who are in the
process of separating (and staying separated) from abusive partners.
As for your daughter, consider simple ways to carve
out special time without creating undue strain upon yourself. There
are many ways to share that your thoughts are with her that won't
require extra time in your day. A few ideas might include saving her
the "special" seat next to you at the table, or a place beside you
while watching a TV program, or reading her a nighttime story. Tell
her about something during the day that reminded you of her. Offer
her, and your boys, support instead of blame, understanding instead
of criticism.
Keep projects as simple and relaxing as possible.
Put on a song, for example, and sing a favorite tune together with
your feet up. Comb each other's hair. For now, avoid activities that
require too much energy. Accept your own limitations rather than pushing
yourself past them.
These small things let her know that she holds a special
place in your heart. Giving compliments are not time-intensive: share
with her what you like about her personality, such as her ability
to express herself well.
When you need to discipline your daughter, do not
let it interfere with the special time you have set aside for her.
Delay the consequences of her behavior if necessary. Let her know
she will be going to bed fifteen minutes early because of a misbehavior,
but do not let her conduct undermine the intent of your time together.
Be honest and share with your daughter when you are
tired. Try not to over- compensate for your husband's failings. Doing
so will only lead to exhaustion and feelings of inadequacy. You are
a "good enough" mother to your children. Do not feel guilty because
you are understandably exhausted these days!
Never forget that you are stemming the tide of violence
that not only would have swept through your life, but the lives of
your grandchildren, too. It is a lot of work to turn this around,
but your children will have less on their shoulders because of it.
Future generations will be rewarded because you handled your problems
instead of running away from them.
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