Ask your husband why he continually pretends to make agreements which in the end he does not follow. This kind of disappointment weighs heavily on the relationship and no doubt costs him your affection and tenderness as well. Is this really what he wants? What is he getting out of this behavior? Is it worth the cost?

Take time to explore with one another how conflict was negotiated in your respective parents' marriage. Was conflict resolved effectively? Did each spouse have equal power in decision making in the family? Our first role models for relating to a spouse are forged in childhood. If our Dads acquiesced to Mom's wishes, only to frustrate her with disappointment later, what was being expressed and what was the result? Was this a passive way for him to express anger? Was Mom the one left with all the angry feelings? Did they covertly agree that it is safe for Mom to express anger in the family and unsafe for Dad to do so?

Sometimes patterns of gender interaction are based upon reactions to particular male and female figures of the past. If there was an abusive father, for example, the next generation may spawn a passive son who refused (was afraid) to deal with conflict because it involves expressing angry feelings. Instead of developing skills for safe and direct expression of anger or his own needs, he may avoid conflict in the short term, agreeing to anything in order to "keep the peace". His spouse may be left expressing unproductive, unrelenting frustration due to repeated broken agreements. A pattern can develop in which a man may avoid expressing his needs because he is afraid of his own anger more than his wife's "nagging". This example may or may not relate to your situation, but represents one possibility to consider.

And what part may Mom have played in this? Was she unwilling to experience her husband's anger or needs directly? Sometimes couples create patterns which reinforce gender roles of childhood without realizing it. Ask your husband to interpret the meaning of his actions. Is he attempting to frustrate you? Is he afraid of displeasing you for some reason if he says "no" to you? Explore your own contributions to the failure of your agreements. Do you insist on getting your way through emotional blackmail or are you interested in hearing your husband's experience and needs? Did you come from a family background that respected and included men's needs or ignored them in the negotiating process?

So, what does this kind of passivity in follow through mean in your marriage? If you are unable to get a handle on completing the negotiation process, seek couples' counseling to explore deeper issues which are seriously sabotaging your happiness. Your feelings of being "out of energy" are a sign that you may be "giving up" quietly. Statistics show that depression in women is more a function of marital unhappiness than it is for men. Pay attention to what "out of energy" means for you. An ongoing undercurrent of unresolved friction deteriorates your own self-esteem as well as the marriage relationship.

Though your devotion may maintain the marriage, over time you may find yourself mired in a depression which takes the place of angry disappointment. Ask for your husband's help in creating a marriage that gives you energy rather than tires you out!

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