QUESTION: I am a 24-year-old single mom
of an 18-month-old boy. This is our first Christmas since I separated
from his father, and I'm getting depressed. I just don't seem to have
the "spirit," and I'm worried about getting through Christmas without
being a family. I feel overwhelmed with sadness.
ANSWER: It is natural for you to grieve
the loss of the family during this holiday, which is chock full of
family associations and memories. Christmas brings up our deepest
fantasies for fulfillment. And most people who are NOT going through
a difficult life transition experience a "let down" after Christmas
because the unconscious wish for fulfillment rarely meets the reality
of the situation. This holiday is one of many "firsts" which will
come up during this initial year of separation. But sadness and regret
by no means imply that you are abnormal nor that you have made a mistake
in judgment! You will experience loneliness, but you may find that
leaning on others will help ease your pain.
If your own childhood memories reflect tensions and
disappointment in family relationships, depression is likely to be
compounded during this time. Or, if your childhood was relatively
happy, you may yearn to return to a period of grace when you felt
taken care of yourself. And since Christmas has so many associations
to children and magic, it appeals to the child in us that wishes for
something truly magical to occur - especially when we are going through
hard times. All of this can contribute to feelings of depression as
you experience the family break-up more concretely during this period.
Begin to consider you and your son a family! Shop
for a tree and warm the hearth of your home together. It is all right
to allow time for sadness. In fact, plan to remember good times that
occurred and accept the tears for the lost promise of a relationship
you thought would last but didn't. Crying helps to release sadness
so that you can begin to build a new sense of family. Tell yourself
that by next year, you will be feeling better. But begin this year
to establish some new rituals or continue old rituals with your son
that will help you connect with each other through the holidays.
Call friends and relatives and invite them for an
evening or afternoon of tree decoration. You may not feel high in
spirits, but it is important that you create a Christmas for the two
of you as a family. Make spiced cider and put on music. Keep it short,
if you like. Two hours of threading popcorn to hang on the tree is
enough to stimulate the neurochemicals that can be aroused through
behavior towards enjoyment, even if you are not rejoicing. Do not
expect yourself to be joyous, but create an atmosphere of warmth to
aid your healing. "Heal" is derived from the Old English "hoelan,"
which means to synthesize or "make whole." Allow this season to be
your season for healing.
Schedule your time over the holiday week so that you
have a group activity. Christmas caroling groups may form through
your local YMCA or other community organizations. Consider joining
with carolers, and continuing activities you have enjoyed in the past.
Stay in touch with friends and relatives. With your son, visit public
places that are decorated, even visit with Santa, if it is convenient
for you and not overly stressful. Keep your schedule simple so as
not to fray your nerves, but sufficiently full to help you stay connected
with the parts of the holiday season you have enjoyed.
Make plans so that you are not alone on Christmas
Eve or Christmas Day. Be sure to plan a ritual with your son, and
if he is with his father, make plans to be with friends or relatives.
If this is difficult, consider a community project which involves
you in giving to others at this time. Remember that your separation
makes you eligible for future happiness you did not have in your previous
family with your husband. It is natural to have regrets at this time,
but realize that this first holiday represents a period of transition.
As the New Year approaches, you might also consider
a ritual for acknowledging sadness and considering the changes you
would like to see in your life in the next year. Perhaps taking a
piece of paper and writing down the things from the relationship that
were good and you want to keep, and the things in the relationship
that made you unhappy enough to leave on separate pieces of paper.
Burn the pieces of paper that represent the things
you want to let go of, and put the things you want to keep in a special
place for safekeeping to reflect back on throughout the year ahead.
Include things you want to bring into your life as well. You might
do this ritual with a small group of friends where others are also
contemplating things they would like to leave behind and New Year's
changes they would like to embrace.
You are in the process of re-establishing a new definition
of family. Do not underestimate the power of group activity and rituals
during this holiday season. Rituals can offer us ways to digest grief
that has no words and can help us to cope with sadness and loneliness.
And connecting with groups during times of transition serves to carry
our spirits when our hearts are too heavy for spontaneous rejoicing.
Remember, even Scrooge, in his lifelong depression,
opened his heart when connections with people were finally re-established!
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