QUESTION: My husband is an alcoholic and
has also started stealing from me. We have two children under five.
I want to ask for a divorce but I am frightened because my husband
says that he would not allow me to have the children. I do not want
this to affect my children any more, but I also do not want them to
have to go through a terrible battle. Any suggestions?
ANSWER: As long as you respond to your
husband's threats, you are making yourself and your children vulnerable
to his destructive behavior and escalating intimidation. You do not
need to ask your spouse for a divorce. And he is not in charge of
custody decisions. You are an adult with rights and you are responsible
for acting in your children's best interests.
Do not avoid hard choices when the writing is on the
wall. Take authority in your marriage, and seek legal and professional
help to understand your rights and develop a course of action. Consider
giving your spouse the chance to know you are serious about needing
change in his behavior and the marriage, if you feel there could be
a chance of saving the relationship and getting on track together.
But do not accept false promises. His behavior requires professional
treatment if he is serious about wanting to change.
If your marriage continues to be based on dishonesty
and threats, you are definitely making the wrong choice to remain
married. But do take some time to look before you leap! Find out the
legal facts pertaining to your situation and seek support to help
you with the transition through divorce. Join a women's support group
and consider attending Alanon meetings in your area to help you identify
patterns of alcoholism and the role you may play in your marriage
to an alcoholic.
Your life's path has clear challenges that you must
face as a part of your growth and your children's welfare. Reflect
on what brought you into a marriage like this and work to identify
your own weak spots that could lead you into another bad relationship.
Do not avoid facing your mistakes. What, really, is your alternative?
It will be a hard road, but if you can learn from
your mistakes and grow stronger in the process, you have gained in
the long run! Your children will experience the upset of change caused
by divorce, but they are now experiencing a family atmosphere of hostility
and lies rather than love and cooperation. It is your job to upset
this balance in order to achieve a much healthier family environment,
if necessary. They depend on your leadership. Look ahead and act now
to secure the kind of family you want to have in the future.
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