QUESTION: I am angry and depressed after
my divorce. I have not lived with my ex for two years, but see him
almost every day as we work in the same profession. The only good
thing is that he pays more attention to our 12-year-old son now. I
have someone in my life who says he loves me, but I just want my old
comfortable life back. How do I get past this?
ANSWER: Divorce is the death of a relationship
so it is natural to feel a great loss of self when a marriage ends.
Reclaiming yourself from the marriage involves deep grieving, as well
as discovering the personal meaning of this event in your life. (Seeing
your ex-spouse on a daily basis does not give you much emotional distance
for doing this inner work!)
Consider the possibility that you are living out a
pattern of attachment to an absent lover. You imply that your ex is
a more attentive father outside the home than he was in the marriage.
This points to an emotional withdrawal from family relationships when
you were married. Try to identify why you would have been attracted
to a man who did not have much emotional energy for family relationships.
We commonly choose our partners to fulfill unmet development.
The marriage holds unconscious promise for healing past wounds, or
for repeating them. An early childhood bond with a remote father or
mother could be at the root of "wanting your old life back" despite
the fact that you are better off out of the marriage.
Your craving may be older than your marriage or divorce.
It may be the craving for someone who was not there for you as a child
that has caused you to remain stuck in longing, rather than moving
toward love.
Divorce presents an opportunity to recover lost parts
of yourself, if you are not afraid to look further back. Individual
counseling aimed at understanding your choices and the meaning of
the divorce in your life will help you let go of the past and move
toward the future. Books such as, "Rebuilding: When your relationship
ends," by B. Fisher can also help facilitate your recovery.
Your seeming disinterest in available men may also
be a result of fear that you could lose in love again. Failure in
remarriage is more likely if you do not explore childhood relationships
and their impact on your past partnership patterns.
Do not let fear or nostalgia stand in the way of doing
the emotional work necessary for your full recovery. You may not be
happy now, but you are certainly eligible for future happiness!
Return
to Article Archive
