QUESTION: My husband of seven years
left me for a woman in his office, who is also married. Both my husband
and his lover filed for divorce one month after their affair began.
They are said to be getting married as soon as their divorces are
final. My husband has two teenage children by his first marriage who
live with him. By the way, he also cheated on his first wife before
marrying me. What are the chances of their marriage surviving and
for how long?
ANSWER: No doubt you are reeling from
the rapid changes in your life. You may be seeking comfort in the
prediction that this new relationship will fail.
Sadly, the stormy forecast awaits not only your husband's
new relationship, but the fate of the whole new family constellation,
including the children who have been innocently thrown into this chaotic
situation.
Your husband's new relationship is forged upon a tremendous
amount of loss: This is his children's third uprooting. The breakup
of two previous families, with yet another new situation to "instantly"
adapt to, is likely to cause some level of maladjustment in his children's
development.
It is likely that your soon-to-be ex-spouse is running
away from unresolved childhood loss that he tries to recreate with
each new family. An intense love affair promises to heal all wounds,
but can never live up to this task. If this is the case, the relationship
must remain intense enough to block out depression and the ever-increasing
amount of loss caused by the trail of broken relationships. Usually,
by two to five years, if not sooner, the relationship fails under
the pressure to heal all.
Relationships that are created around the function
of distracting from unresolved loss often get "stuck" in crisis. These
relationships can literally become crisis-dependent, meaning that
partners continue the pattern of creating and resolving crisis in
their relationship in order to stimulate their partners out of an
underlying depression. At first this crisis is external to the relationship
and the couple bonds to one another against the "outside" enemy. But
in time, the polarizing force is aimed at one another, often threatening
to implode the relationship.
But do not hold your breath! Some couples manage to
sustain this pattern of dysfunction for years, with alternating distance
and closeness. This latter development can result in what family researchers
have labeled "the gruesome twosome."
This dynamic is particularly damaging to children.
Parents remain together in such unstable conditions that children's
development is sacrificed for the maintenance of the dysfunctional
relationship.
Although it is natural for you to wonder about your
husband's claim to "happiness" in your period of pain, be aware that
obsessing about his new relationship may provide a diversion from
your own grieving. Reclaiming yourself from the marriage will involve
self-reflection. Consider your own needs and requirements for a healthy
relationship and seek to understand what contributed to your choice
of an emotionally unstable partner. Finding answers for yourself will
be more useful in establishing your own future happiness than forecasting
failure in your husband's upcoming marriage.
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