QUESTION: I recently had a miscarriage
after an unplanned pregnancy. I was devastated, but my husband seemed
relieved, though he never said so. I have wanted a baby so much since
then that I almost can't think of anything else. My husband cannot
understand it. I really love him, but this is driving me CRAZY. How
can I accept his feelings?
ANSWER: Both you and your husband shared
initial upset and ambivalence when you believed you were to become
parents unexpectedly. The visceral experience of pregnancy no doubt
helped you attach to this reality in a deeper and more immediate way
than might have been the case for your husband. You may have been
working on the bonding necessary to welcome your child, while he was
working through the anxiety you both shared. It is natural that you
would be expressing the grief about this sudden change in events,
while he would be experiencing the relief.
Your husband's "relief" in no way obliterates loss,
however. It is possible to experience both sadness for the loss of
the pregnancy and relief that your preparation for parenthood is now
extended. Do not expect him to grieve in exactly the same way you
do, but do not mourn in isolation. Plan a ritual together for saying
"good-bye" to this potential child. Take a walk to a special place
in nature, plant flowers or throw a stone out to sea. Create a ceremony
to help you release your sadness and crystallize the feelings that
this pregnancy has brought forth for each one of you.
Talk together about what this journey has put you
through, and the feelings that have arisen. Create a safe atmosphere
for differences so that your sharing is productive. Honest expression
of feelings and the ability to accept similar as well as different
emotions about this experience can provide opportunity for greater
closeness instead of distance.
It is not unusual for a miscarriage to blossom into
a commitment to parenthood. In your case, pregnancy has clarified
your desire and readiness for motherhood. Share this transformation
with your husband. Perhaps he has experienced something similar. Your
next pregnancy may well be a planned one. Perhaps you will find that
this pregnancy had its own purpose that has been fulfilled afterall.
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