QUESTION: My 17-year-old stepson died
recently from a one-week illness. I still have his two brothers to look
at and remind me of him. The two other boys are excited about the holidays
but I don't want Christmas or anything else but for my baby to come
back to me.
ANSWER: This Christmas will be a great
period of transition for your family. It marks the first year without
your stepson and a critical time for the four of you to come together
in your sorrow.
Ask your wife to be more available to you through
the holidays. Checking in by phone from work to see how you are doing,
or setting up an appropriate time to call her could serve as your
lifeline through this period. Friends and relatives should also be
called upon for helping you through this first set of holidays after
your stepson's death.
Though it will be difficult to rejoice, it is important
that you continue the holiday traditions that have evolved in your
family. But also consider taking some separate time on Christmas or
Christmas Eve to remember your son. Perhaps each one of you could
share a story about something he did or said, or a special time you
had together that the others may not know about. Light a candle on
Christmas Eve in his honor. Though he has left your home, he remains
in your hearts forever. And the value of his life is indelibly imparted
to each of you. It is through your sharing that he will be remembered.
Before I lost my father, I never truly understood
what people meant when they said that those who have died "live on"
in the living. Then, one day, about six months after my father had
passed away, I felt the qualities of his that I most valued - his
adventurousness, his sense of humor and affection - to be not a "part"
of me, but ME. I realized at that moment that he was living through
me by what had been imparted to me from being intimately connected
to him in his lifetime. But I could never put into words that feeling
I experienced while driving my car home from the grocery store that
day.
Your pain is unique in at least three ways. As a
parent, you had to bury your child. Though tragedy occurs, this is
not one we expect in our lifetimes. We don't expect to outlive our
children. And your son was a hair's breadth away from entering adulthood,
with all the unfulfilled promise of his life immediately before him.
And finally, you forged a very special relationship with a child who
was not born from your body. Your love and connection to your stepson
has deeply touched me as a reminder that parenting is a "calling"
to serve more than it is a biological event.
It may be beneficial for you and your wife to meet
other parents who have grieved the loss of a child. Hospitals and
the mental-health agencies in your community usually have support
groups for parents in your position. Sibling groups may also be available.
And your other two boys would most likely gain from talking with other
children going through a similar life tragedy.
Continue to reach out as you have here. And keep
the spirit of the holidays alive for yourself, your wife and your
two sons who remain in your life!
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