Start by using couples' counseling to explore your respective experience of family. Did you learn trust or distrust in your family relationships? Did your parental role models exhibit an ability to establish a committed and caring relationship where needs were brought to the table and negotiated, or did unilateral decision-making and subterfuge reign? Was commitment taken lightly in your family of origins? Consider the fact that you describe your affairs as "indiscretions," as if they were minor, instead of major offenses. Was such behavior accepted as "normal" on some level in your childhood experience of family?

When you both broke the rules of your relationship, you broke trust. To repair this trust, you must first understand the emotional meaning of your infidelity. Were you afraid of "putting all your eggs in one basket?" Were there needs you were bringing to someone else instead of to your partner? Do you feel loved only when that love is threatened in some way? You will need to find the courage to bring your needs directly to your partner. You will also need to establish a safe arena for problem-solving and negotiating to meet one another's emotional needs.

Seek to understand your respective family patterns. They are the subliminal blueprints that you will be compelled to repeat (or rebel against) unless you are able to separate from the past and establish a vision for the kind of relationship you want to have with each other. Your intent to love one another has clearly gone amuck. It will take soul-searching to understand the nature of your infidelities and consider the impact of betrayal and the reciprocity of pain in a relationship.

Reflect deeply on the reciprocal nature of relationships. It is through interdependence that respect and love are truly attainable. A committed partnership is not unlike a garden. Throwing toxins into the soil will limit the potential of what can grow, at best, and prohibit development, at worst. When we truly understand in our hearts that our actions towards our partner are reflected back upon ourselves, it is easier to control our impulses towards toxic "indiscretions."

Express your feelings, take responsibility for your actions and look into your heart. Forgive, but do not forget. It will be the pain of the past that will help the two of you steer clear of damaging behavior in the future.

You and your partner have created a private chaos in which you and your child and child-to-be now live. It is time to slow things down and establish the order you need to support the growth and development of the children you have brought into this world together. Learning the skills you need to create trust and emotional safety in your relationship will lend you the strength you need to parent together, whether or not your romantic relationship endures.

Let your children's needs be your guiding light on this one. Use your couples' therapy to learn the communication and relationship skills you did not inherit from your own families. If you succeed, you will not only save your relationship, but you will stem the tide of distrust and pain that is headed for the next generation!

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