WORKSHEET:
What is your family atmosphere?
created by Gayle
Peterson, including
Excerpts from Making
Healthy Families
Assess the capacity of your present family atmosphere
in promoting connection (over disconnection) in these five dimensions
of health
1. Are verbal expressions of love and appreciation
daily occurrences between spouses, between adults and children in
your family? Are expressions of anger or disappointment acknowledged
without withdrawing love and appreciation from the family member with
whom you are angry or disappointed?
Reflect on the last 48 hours. Did you give any verbal
appreciations or expressions of love to your family members? Did they
give any to you? List them here.
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In the next 24 hours, consciously give at least 3 verbal appreciations
to your spouse and children. List them here with the effects you feel
doing so had on family relationships.
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In the last week did you withdraw emotional support
from your spouse or a child because you were angry? Did you break
a commitment to a family member due to disappointment? Write down
your experience of expressing and receiving anger in the family and
discuss the event and whether anger is expressed safely in the family
or in a way that threatens emotional connection between members.
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Write down how you want to handle future angry or
disappointing incidents in the family. For example: if you withdraw
emotionally (not talking, avoiding sex) when angry with your spouse,
consider making a commitment to express your feelings without retreating
from the relationship. If you withdraw your commitment to taking your
teenager to his baseball practice because he swore at you, consider
a consequence that does not interfere with your commitment to drive
him to practice (such as no television, or other “privilege”
that evening). In other words, examine your actions to determine whether
they are retaliative in nature or clear and effective communications
of your own needs and limits.
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Being able to express anger without attacking character
or threatening a relationship, coupled with the ability to express
caring openly creates a range of expression in the family that encourages
connection over disconnection.
Write down your family’s strengths and weaknesses
in this area, and any ideas for improving this dimension of your family
atmosphere.
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2. A family atmosphere which allows for expression
without discounting or denigration of others’points of view
promotes healthy negotiation.
How is conflict negotiated between you and your spouse?
yourself and your children? Reflect on the last time you experienced
conflict in the family. Did you find a mutually acceptable solution
to the problem? Was it overly painful to reach a compromise? Do things
not get done because successful negotiation does not occur in a timely
manner? Write down your assessment of your family’s strengths
and weaknesses in problem solving and allowing for differing views
to be expressed in the family.
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Write down any ways you feel you would like to see
your family improve in this dimension and discuss it with your spouse.
(For example, you may identify the need for more “teamwork”
in the family towards achieving goals and finishing projects).
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3. A family atmosphere in which a full range of emotions
is acceptable allows members to release tensions and frustrations
without damaging relationships. Feelings do not necessarily require
action, and so understanding between people is more likely. Discussions
can develop and be sustained which encourages connection over disconnection.
Do you feel that your spouse is direct and clear with
you about his/her feelings or are you often “in the dark”
about your spouse’s experience? Do you say what you mean or
find yourself “beating around the bush” to avoid hurting
others in the family? Discuss with your spouse or reflect on your
own clarity of communication over the next 24 hours.
Room for ambivalence is a healthy aspect of adapting
to change and disappointment on the family journey. Is this an area
in which you want to envision change in your family atmosphere? (For
example: You can communicate your desire to express an unpopular feeling
and communicate that it is simply a feeling you need to “get
off your chest” and not an assessment of the viability of the
marriage!) Are there any areas you feel are ”taboo” to
discuss in the family, including any feelings you harbor that you
feel cannot be shared? Does the family atmosphere allow for “feelings”
to be expressed without “jumping to conclusions”?
Write down your assessment of your family’s
strengths and weaknesses in this dimension and any ideas for increasing
the range of expression you would like to envision (example: some
families simply do not make the time to listen to their spouse’s
or child’s feelings. Repeated incidents can pile up in which
family members ignore feelings to get “tasks” done. Introducing
a mechanism like “calling a family meeting” or having
a daily time to check in with a child or spouse about his/her day
may allow a greater range of feelings to surface).
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4. Families benefit from outside support which promotes
feelings of connection inside the family.
Do you have a ”best friend” to talk with
about personal issues? Do you feel that your family life (and marriage)
is supported by friends or community involvement? Or do you feel your
spouse is your only friend and confident? Do your children enjoy friends
and community activities? Write down who the people are or what activities
you turn to when you are feeling down or distressed about something
in your life, and your observations about who other family members
get their support from in their lives, outside of the family.
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Write down suggestions/ ideas for increasing outside
support, if necessary (for example: developing personal friendships,
joining a parents’ support or activities group, enrolling your
child in a playgroup, exploring church involvement or coaching your
child’s soccer team).
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5. A family atmosphere of emotional commitment to
fulfill the changing needs and to act in the best interests of their
children promotes connection between family members over a lifetime.
Reflect on whether your parents supported your need
for support and growing independence throughout your childhood. Periods
of development in which you felt unsupported will naturally be charged
times for you in your child’s development. It is helpful to
observe the feelings that arise about your own development, so that
it is not projected onto your child, either by repeating patterns
or overcompensating for them.
Write down any periods in your childhood that were
particularly painful for you and share them with your partner. (For
example: If your parents divorced at age 3 or you lost a parent at
age 14, these will be particularly charged periods of time as your
children pass through these ages.)
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How well do you think you are supporting your children’s
growing independence? Write down the ways you currently encourage
your children to make their own decisions at their current ages. Write
down any ways you wish to consider supporting them to develop their
ability to make decisions and pursue their own interests in the next
year? the next two years?
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Observe the five areas discussed with an eye towards flexibility and
balance. Taking the time and effort to consider and reflect upon your
family’s style, is by itself a healthy start. For any system
that can look at itself, is one capable of adapting to the ever present
changes of family life!
 Go
To: Tip Sheet: Five Dimensions of Family Health
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