QUESTION: My son-in-law's parents do not
seem to take much interest in their grandchild. I am appalled that
they do not help out the way I do with my grandchild. I baby-sit,
buy special gifts, and do the special things a grandmother should
do. They give money for education and send the usual birthday cards.
But they are not emotionally involved, although they live nearby.
This is causing strife between my daughter and her husband, which
is worrying me. Is there anything to do to make his parents better
grandparents?
ANSWER: Grandparents come in all shapes
and sizes! What you believe is a "good" grandparent evolves from your
experiences, which have led you to expect and enjoy your role as an
involved grandmother. Good for you! But expecting others to live up
to your ideals or expectations will likely lead to strain rather than
harmony in family relationships. And misunderstandings of what involvement
requires may also cause strife.
Family boundaries differ. What some people experience
as involvement, others may define as intrusive. Likewise, what one
person sees as "giving someone space," another may perceive as abandonment.
It is natural for you to be concerned about the conflict
between your daughter and her husband that is arising at this time.
But rest assured that it is also a healthy process in the course of
their family development. Indeed, differences in family beliefs and
the expectations derived from divergent childhood experiences and
family backgrounds is inevitable. Each family has its own unique culture.
But it is the job of two parents to blend their family cultures into
one. This necessarily sets the stage for some stress as parents discover
their expectations and suffer disappointment in the process.
It is the job of your daughter and her husband to
decide what kind of family atmosphere and philosophy to adopt together.
Clearly, the issue of the grandparent role has stimulated this discussion.
Ideally, this conflict will become resolved by their taking what they
believe to be the best from both of their respective family backgrounds
and changing what they find undesirable. Discussions about family
members, experiences, and disappointments are unavoidable and part
of the process.
Do not overreact to their situation. It is not your
job to "fix" the other grandparents, but perhaps to create a better
atmosphere for understanding differences. One of the most vital elements
in promoting healthy family relationships is tolerance for differences.
Certainly there is nothing wrong with attempting to create influence
in your family relationships, but it must be done with respect instead
of superiority.
Support your daughter to explore (with her partner)
the ways she might help her husband's parents become involved in their
grandchild's life. Arranging regular visits, sending pictures, and
engaging in activities such as family picnics may all create opportunities
for connection. And nothing is wrong with asking whether paternal
grandparents might be willing to babysit for a short period while
parents take a quick lunch together! These grandparents might be open
to changing their lives to include more contact with their grandchild.
But it is also possible that they are waiting for directions!
It is not uncommon for new grandparents to hold a
belief that they should not make suggestions to their children when
they become parents, but should take a "hands-off" approach and wait
for the parents' lead. This is not an unusual philosophy for past
generations to adopt, and misunderstandings about this approach occur.
For example, one young mother came to me in tears because she felt
slighted and ignored by her mother-in-law after her child was born.
Later she discovered that this approach stemmed from her mother-in-law's
childhood experience of severe conflict between her own mother and
her grandmother. She had vowed never to "interfere" when she became
a grandmother. Instead, she was waiting to be invited before offering
help!
If your daughter and her husband decide it best to
discuss their desires for his parents' involvement, he would likely
be the best spokesperson. Still, it is possible that his parents have
very different views, or personal needs that conflict with the expectations
of others. These differences, too, will need to be respected.
Word of caution: Be careful of stereotyping. Fairy
tales abound with fairy-godmother-like figures that resemble grandmothers!
But we should not be held to such an archetype unless it suits our
individual natures. Some grandmas are like this, and some are not.
Grandparents are people, too, and each one of us is unique. We need
to be appreciated for who we are and what we can give. By all means
enjoy being the grandparent you are, but stop short of expecting others
to be the same.
