QUESTION: My girlfriend of 11 months
is putting extreme pressure on me to marry. It has basically come
down to her wanting to break up if I won't give her a commitment.
I love & don't want to lose her, but I am simply not ready to get
married. I am very angry that she puts me in this position, I find
it very unfair. I just want us to live together for a while. What
advice can you give me? Thank you.
ANSWER: Let your girlfriend know that
she is very special to you and that she is in a place in your heart
that someone would have to occupy to be considered as a future marriage
partner. But that you take commitment very seriously and want to be
certain than neither one of you would have regrets about your marital
choice based on one person's lack of readiness.
Explain to your girlfriend that she is pushing you
away from her by giving you an all or nothing ultimatum. And consider
that the way she is attempting to resolve her own needs does not bode
well for the future! In fact, it is damaging to your relationship.
How is it that your girlfriend could feel secure about
your capitulating to her needs at a time that is premature for you?
She could not feel truly chosen by you, if she forced a commitment,
rather than experienced your desire to join in matrimony with her.
And more importantly, what does her ultimatum mean about her quality
of love and caring for you? Does she have your best interests at heart
as well as her own? Why can there be no compromise that would allow
for further development of the relationship before sealing a life-changing
commitment?
Open up a dialogue to address your girlfriend's needs
about the future, but do not acquiesce to ultimatums. Encourage an
open discussion about feelings and how each of you envisions a healthy
marriage partnership. Explore goals, family background and work on
developing a process for decision making that will support relationship
instead of destroy it.
With the divorce rate at about 50% you are acting
wisely. Your girlfriend is making the mistake of giving you ultimatums
instead of simply opening up a discussion about future marriage. But
it is possible also that you are contributing by being unwilling to
talk about marriage or insisting on living together right now.
The good news is that you both want to be together.
She wants to marry and you want to live together. What needs to be
worked through in your relationship is what kind of contract you can
develop which can take both of your needs into account. What is the
meaning of a formal contract for her and an informal contract for
you? The PROCESS of commitment is what must be negotiated to address
both of your concerns. But ultimatums on either of your parts sounds
somewhat precipitous at this point in your relationship.
Take some period of time you both agree on (3 months,
6 months?) to simply explore marital issues and feelings about commitment.
Continue dating and talking your way through it. This dilemma represents
an opportunity for relationship building if you can slow it down enough
to find your answers TOGETHER. Problems resolved through understanding,
rather than pressure tactics result in progress towards dedication
and commitment.
If you have not found a joint resolution after an
agreed period of time, consider the fact that there may be other "fish
in the sea" that suit each of you better. Continued pressure to change
in ways that do not feel comfortable to one or both of you could prove
to be a preview of things to come!
