QUESTION: My husband and I were married
only three months when I came home to find he had moved out and taken
our furniture. He cleaned out our checking account and left me with
his debt. He says he is sorry and wants to move home, and I agreed
on the condition that he seek counseling and make changes in his behavior.
He gets angry if things don't go his way and keeps me in constant
emotional upheaval.
I love this man very much, but his behavior
has damaged my career and my self-confidence. He doesn't carry through
on his promises. He says that we cannot resolve our differences if
I do not let him come home, and I say that I need an example of good
behavior before he can come home. My trust in him is shaken to the
core. I don't want a divorce, but he will not change his controlling
behavior. Please help.
ANSWER: You are right to distrust your
husband's "promises," and right, again, that it's unwise to take him
back on "his terms." His behavior is damaging to himself, to you and
to any marriage. Deep levels of trust have been violated. This kind
of abusive behavior requires more than an apology. It requires a safe
place to process what has occurred between you, and to create solid
reasons to believe that it could be different in the future.
You need an understanding of what triggered his extreme
behavior before the two of you can prevent such pain in the future.
Couples counseling seems a natural alternative to the current "stand-off
" in your relationship. Ultimatums are the result of insecurity. Each
of you feels powerless in the marriage. Attempts to "control" the
other polarize your relationship and result in a no-win situation.
Not that your ultimatum is not also a reasonable response to your
husband's bizarre behavior. Quite the contrary!
Consider what is involved in your attraction to such
a self-defeating man. Were there patterns in your relationship with
your father that conditioned you to the idea that to love a man would
mean giving up your own self-respect? What is the connection for you
between being hurt and being loved?
Some women are attracted to men they find "passionate"
because of serious neglect and coldness in their childhood relationships.
Passionate, wild men could be your answer to cool indifference and
repressed affection in your own family. It's wise, however, to recognize
that you could be choosing a partner exactly like one of your parents,
recreating the familiar experience of love in the context of your
own devaluation.
Without understanding what attracts you to this man,
chances are overwhelming that you will repeat this type of mate selection
in subsequent relationships. Books such as Harville Hendrix's "Getting
the Love You Want" and Maggie Scarf's "Intimate Partners" may help
you understand how to break this destructive cycle.
You are clear on three things:
1. Your husband's behavior was wrong and he is not
to be trusted.
2. The relationship has been harmful to your self-esteem
and to your career.
3. You love him and do not want a divorce.
It is in your best interest to understand this situation
so you do not simply replace this man with another similarly painful
choice in the future, should this marriage fail. Marital counseling
could provide a safe context to work toward reconciliation.
Set clear boundaries on what is acceptable behavior
in your relationship. If agreement is reached, the next step will
be to live that agreement, but you will need to assess whether you
are working on this together and in the right direction.
Accept the fact that you love him, but lead with your
head, not your heart. Keep your eyes open, and guard against excuses
for "bad behavior" in your marriage. Do not turn your back on your
responsibility to yourself and your future. It will be your job to
determine whether or not this marriage is in your best interests.
It only takes one to file for divorce, but it takes two to make a
good marriage.
