QUESTION: My husband's ex-wife is
now deceased. His daughter from this marriage is not very responsible.
My husband co-signed a loan for her to buy a used truck. She was supposed
to pay the loan back ,but so far has not made any payments. My husband
seems unable to tell her that she needs to be responsible and he gets
aggravated when I bring it up. What should I do?
ANSWER: Your husband may be failing
to teach his daughter responsibility due to feelings of guilt about
the loss of her mother. Well meaning parents sometimes inadvertently
develop patterns of overprotection during the grieving period because
they want to protect their children from any further pain. Naturally,
this overcompensation only leads to decreased coping skills, lowered
self-esteem and fractured relationships .
It is not too late for your spouse to change his direction.
Your husband is mortgaging his daughter's future to avoid his own
discomfort with dealing with her breech of contract. More importantly,
he is stressing his marriage by not addressing his responsibilities
to you.
You are an equal partner in the marriage. It is your
job to set your own limits, but stop short of taking on a hounding
role in your relationship. Let your husband know that you do not find
it acceptable to pay for a car you did not agree to purchase. Ask
that he address this situation with his daughter. If necessary, suggest
that the vehicle be sold or returned if he fails to obtain payments
from her.
Finally, be clear with your husband that you want
to participate in any agreements that involve joint money. If your
stepdaughter does not come through on her commitments, be clear that
the natural consequence is for you not to agree to any additional
loans in the future.
This is not a matter of aggravation. It is a matter
of trust. Your husband is breaking his agreement to you by not setting
things straight. This breech of trust damages the flow of affection
in your marriage. Your husband's inaction sends the loud and clear
message that his agreements with you do not matter. Focus your energy
on expressing your own feelings about how this affects your marital
relationship, rather than telling him "what to do" about his daughter.
Invite your husband to become a part of the recovery of trust in your
relationship. Your anger will likely abate as you express your requirements
in the partnership with your husband.
There is no need to nag. Instead, require an equal
voice in all future decisions that affect you. And be willing to simply
say "no," or bear the consequences .
