QUESTION: My husband wants my six-year-old
daughter to address him as "Stepfather" rather than by his first name.
She's not comfortable calling him "Dad." He doesn't press the issue
but plans to casually remind her every time she calls his name. I've
been a stepchild and I disagree. I believe in letting it occur naturally,
but he has a problem with a child calling an adult by first name.
I've explained that that rule doesn't apply in stepfamilies, but he
ANSWER: You and your husband may both
be right. But now you must find a way to negotiate to resolve your
problem in a way that respects both of your needs as well as your
daughter's best interest.
Your instincts about letting things evolve naturally
in a blended family hold true in research on stepfamilies. It is important
to the family's development that affection not be pushed on children
before trust and friendship are established. However, it is not clear
that calling your husband "stepfather" conjures inappropriate affection
or formality for your daughter. Her experience may or may not parallel
your own childhood. Check to see what is true for her, before assumptions
dominate your conclusions.
How does your daughter feel about calling your spouse
"stepfather"? How do you feel in private, and in public? Is there
a difference for you at home or elsewhere, as one thing to consider
is that addressing parents in this way also opens the door to your
private life to anyone in earshot. Privacy about family issues (divorce,
adoption, etc.) may or may not be an issue for any of you. It may
be illuminating to find out how your daughter feels about this. Your
husband's experience of disrespect in being called by his first name
must also be considered. His desire to have your daughter call him
by his role may also be an expression of feeling somewhat excluded
in the family.
Perhaps there is some other name your husband would
be comfortable with that not only communicates respect (by not addressing
him by first name), but also reflects his place in the family in a
way that simultaneously matches the level of affection your daughter
feels for him. Just as some grandmothers are called "Nana", perhaps
"Pop" or "Pops" would work emotionally for everyone in the family.
Try things out for a week and reevaluate. This could prove an enjoyable
bonding experience if handled with light heartedness and humor! And
remember that affectionate names can change with your growing relationship.
For example, "Mommy" and "Daddy" universally become "Mom" and "Dad"
as children mature. (I am no longer "Grandmommy" but "Grandma" to
my 20-month-old grandson.)
A more flexible approach will sidestep the possibility
that your daughter will feel your husband is too controlling in his
insistence on an overly formal designation, and allow a natural relationship
to develop based on mutual respect. Perhaps your husband will
recognize that respect must flow both ways for the stepchild-stepparent
relationship to develop without strain and conflict.
Keep in mind that the process of discussion
-- and understanding one another's experiences in the family -- is
far more important than outcome of your decision-making in this situation.
Family researcher Norma Walsh emphasizes healthy family processes
and quality of relationships as the two primary forces of health in
any family structure. Keep in mind that a strong couples' bond and
a positive relationship between stepparent and stepchild are the most
powerful predictors for success in stepfamilies. It is the process
of discussion and empathy in both of these very critical relationships
in the family that determine quality.
The good news is that your husband is suggesting his
recommendations be carried out in a low-key manner. This reflects
sensitivity on his part from the beginning. Your intuition may be
based on your childhood or the present situation. And your positive
experience of natural growth and development in a stepfamily is invaluable.
Now it is time to form your own family relationships by developing
your solutions in this family. Talk to other parents and stepparents.
Ask them what they have done, what has worked for them and what hasn't.
The Stepfamily Association of North America (1-800-735-0329) can also
help put you in touch with your local chapter.