QUESTION: My nephew is eight-years-old
and has a lot of trouble making friends. He is a very likable kid,
polite and good-looking, but he is a bit of a loner and everything
has to be "just perfect" or he gets in a snit. He doesn't interact
well with others, preferring to watch TV or play with his trains.
Some of the other kids pick on him at school for being different.
What can my sister do to help him to socialize better with his classmates?
ANSWER: Your nephew's retreat into television
may be a symptom rather than the source of his problem. Children sometimes
watch TV in order to soothe themselves. If he has been obsessed with
TV from an early age, he may have been keeping himself company with
the television as a replacement for human stimulation and comfort.
Like any addiction, the more he may have used television to ease his
loneliness, the less opportunity he had to develop social skills.
You are right to consider kids' clubs (boy scouts,
etc.) for encouraging his social development. He is still young, and
will no doubt learn about the benefits of social interaction as he
is exposed to rewarding group activities. If he has any talent for
sports, (such as soccer) this could be a natural for focusing his
attention on excelling at a skill that would involve him in membership
on a team.
It may also be beneficial to include other boys his
age in home activities. Inviting a friend over for a couple of hours
after school to play with trains may result in invitations for him
to join others in his community for play after school. Throwing him
a birthday party with a theme involving his trains may help provide
a bridge of shared enthusiasm between himself and other children who
also enjoy trains!
If perfectionism blocks him from enjoying a social
life, he may need support to play with greater abandon (like splashing
in puddles). Being a perfectionist may also proliferate low self-esteem.
Attention to preserving his childhood and pointing out the successes
he has when attempting to do something new can provide him with "positive"
instead of "negative" inner dialogue. It is not too early to teach
him how to be his own "best friend." Help him say to himself, "You
can do it, just try and try again, and finally you will succeed" rather
than the critical words of a "perfection monster" if he doesn't do
something perfectly the first time around!
Eight can be a very perfectionist age anyway, but
it is also possible that your nephew may have picked up some self
berating habits which could fuel his retreat from social interaction.
His own "inner critic" may magnify his sensitivity.
Your nephew has many great qualities which you have
pointed out. And he may be somewhat introverted by nature. Whether
he is missing a social life due to a lack of opportunity or a personal
shyness of character, he will no doubt benefit from an increase in
his social sphere of development. If he continues to retreat into
television or does not respond positively to social interaction, it
may be useful to consult a child psychologist regarding a social skills
group for children his age which could catch him up on the social
cues he may be missing.
Your nephew is a lucky boy to have your loving concern
and attention to his needs. With so much to deal with, every parent
needs an Aunt like you!
